Oh, God. What Do I Do Now?

Uh, oh. I'm in trouble now. I found God. Now what do I do with Him?

It's not like I can just ask Him to go sit in a corner while I go on about my life. He's kind of hard to ignore. And while he seems kindly enough, and a whole lot more patient than I am when bumping up against the obstacles in my life, just knowing He's there makes me squirm.

Once I thought it would be cool to know Him. You know, like hanging out together. Maybe even throwing down a couple of cold ones while we shot the bull. In some regards, I think it can still be like that. But He's like, so, well, unusual that people are starting to look at me like I'm weird.

Did you ever walk into a room and know all eyes were watching your every move? Now imagine it was because you came in with someone who looked so good that you felt like an ugly duckling by comparison. And you knew they just wondered, "Why in the world is he/she hanging out with that geek?"

That's sort of how I feel now. He glows in the dark. That light is SOOOO bright it's blinding. At least, it sure seems to have that impact on everyone else I meet. They act like they don't see me at all any more. Or if they do, they treat me like I'm a leper. I can almost hear the whispers behind the stares. "There's the guy that goes with God. Oooh, yuck. Get away from him." Not God, but me.

Sometimes I get the feeling they're jealous, and that if I would just disappear, they'd all be circling Him and wanting an autograph, or some other piece of Him they could take home and put up on the wall. But since He's with me, they try to pretend they're not looking at either of us.

Funny, they didn't act that way before I found Him. I had a lot of friends, and thought people liked me. I guess, at least as much as you like your local pit bull. But now that I'm hanging out with Him, it's like I've got coodies or something.

Don't think I'm imagining things. I've heard what they're saying. That I'm blaspheming by making God one of the guys. That I should have left him up in His ivory tower instead of dragging him down here in the dirt with me. Or that I can't know Him because I don't hang out in the same places as they go on Saturday or Sunday to try to find Him. Or eat the right foods or mumble the right prayers.

Maybe they're right, and I'm the crazy one. Perhaps it's all in my head, and I'm talking to some giant, invisible rabbit. All I know is they sure seem uncomfortable. And that rubs off on me.

I don't want to make Him feel unwanted. Heck, I worked hard to find Him. Besides, He's been a good friend, always there when I needed Him, and quick to dry my tears when things weren't going so good. In fact, only recently I've started noticing the many gifts he's casually dropped into my life, even when I was so stuck up I thought I was doing it all by myself. And not once did He ever ask me for anything in return.

At least, that's what I thought. But the more I got to know Him, the more I realized there was something He wanted. Something I'd been afraid to do for the longest time. One day as we were talking over a cup of coffee, he finally blurted it out.

"If you love Me, then love yourself," He said in that soft whisper He uses in those moments of our greatest connection. "You are everything I wanted you to be when I sent you here." I just looked at Him as He continued. "There is nothing more I ask of you."

I tried to defend myself. "But what about all those things I have to do? I thought you wanted me to love others!"

"If you truly love yourself, you won't have to try. It will happen naturally," was His reply. "You've been parading me around town, thinking that somehow showed you're now a better person, secretly hoping others would think more of you. Life's not about how they see you, but how you see yourself.

"Don't hold Me up as something to show off to your friends. Just let me stoke the fire of love that already smolders inside you. When it's fanned to a flame, they'll naturally come closer to warm themselves. And in so doing, it will strike a spark that will spread 'round the world."

He reached over, and with his index finger touched my heart. "This is where I am, and will be. Find yourself, and there you will find Me." And with that, He smiled, and faded into my memory.

So, maybe all those other people were right. I am different, and my flame isn't bright enough yet for them to see. But it will be.

In the meantime, I know where to find Him. In me, where He's been all along.

Copyright 2004 by John Dennison. John is a voice for those who do not hear or know they have an inner voice. Author of Whispers in the Silence: Living by the Light of Your Soul, he can be reached at john@WhisperZone.org or visit him at WhisperZone.org, home for those who know their own way.